The hunter was hunted

For once the forever chatterbox in me was silenced. I would readily tell people give put me in any situation and I will start speaking. What if I am bluffing? I will ceratinly be speaking right?

But last week life taught me or rather Death taught me a lesson. It silenced me. I was literally at a loss of words. I could not emapthise with people and hence I could not even speak anything. I was literally at a loss of words. I also felt the loss but the magnitude was certainly different. That made all the difference. The tears rolled till the edge of my eyes and then rolled back. It was difficult to comprehend the situation. I was muted to say the least.

I just remebered the quote by one member of Queen "One by one the good die young "

Let the sorrow sink in. Until then bye.

Innocence Lost Early

One small girl brought out this question into my mind and why? Because she asked me a question and I was there questioning myself. Confused??? Let me explain. I was waiting for a friend of mine the other day and my niece came and asked a simple question. Is it a boyfriend or a girlfriend you are waiting for? Now how was I supposed to answer such a question. Whats the perception of a girlfriend in her mind.? People have already polluted the meaning of a girlfriend. So when I heard this word from a girl who is in her very young age it confused me. The intenetions were not clear.
Now the actual question. Is her innocence lost? Or Is it that I cannot think in a manner of those innocent minds? Difficult one I must say. I have seen kids today use all sorts of language and present a behaviour which is considered BAD even for grown ups. I really feel that the minds of the small kids are getting polluted much faster today. Love's Labour Lost should I say. A small kid's mind is molten iron. You can always bend it the way you like. So Please be careful while handling questions like this from kids. The answers you would be giving them would mould their thinking.

What does'nt kill me makes me stronger

So back after a pretty deep slumber in self contemplation. Maybe the activity is becoming more continuous than anything else.It should have been an activity that should infuse more enthusiasm into the future rather than depress you and take you into a more than deep slumber. So now I have come out with a purpose to succeed. My aim make myself a better person and make other's life as easy as it can become. But by habit I am not a very good person I believe although once in a while some good comments have come out in my favour.The credibility of these comments is yet to be testified. If anyone of you who have made good remarks about me are reading this then please forgive me for such a harsh remark. This is one of the reasons I call myself not a very good person. I often make some harsh statements sometimes out of personal experience and sometimes out of sheer spontaneity. I am improving upon that though.
Some hard times with myself have made me realise some of the more important aspects of life that are there and sometimes the lack of them. So I have come back more strongerI can say. Thats why the statement made in the heading is very powerful and has had a great impact on me.
Bye for now. Need to do some self testing on the strength acquired.

Anger Management

Yet another incident to add to my owes thanks to my short temper. Its high time I learn to control it. Its not the right way to go about. I know that I can bring upon my own destruction like this. Just because I felt he was worng I should'nt have shouted out ike that. I need to learn to be calm at crisis. That's one thing that will really give you an edge over others. I have larnt this from my colleague. But I have never been able to implement it. When the intension of the person is to screw you up and if that makes you angry you very well know that 'Half the battle is lost on yourside'.

Now I need to heavily contemplate on this one question. What are the measure I can take up in order to control my anger? What are reasons for me to become so angry? Is it a feeling of insecutiy tha has made me so? If so how to overcome that insecurity? These are the questions that need tyo be answered. If your work can do most of the answering then the anger will not control you. Lets see how the next session goes.

This is the END my Beautiful Friend

All things in life have an expiry date. We will also expire one day. Things of the past must fade away in order to make way for the new. That's Nature. In order to maintain balance these things have to happen. But why do good things end very fast??? Or is it just a feeling that comes our way. Let me contemplate on this issue now.

We tend to take a deeper look into ourselves during the sad hours. Analysing ourselves is one of the toughest things in life. Its maybe because we are biased towards the attitude we carry with ourselves. And hence its harder to get the solutions. These sort of complications are energy sapping and hence you will feel the mental fatigue. So much so that the tiredness prolongs to haunt you for a long time. Its happening with me after a long time you can say. I am completing 1 year of office and along side one year of friendship from my side to some people in my life whom I consider dear. I know it is not going to last for a lifetime. How?? Dont ask me I just know thats it. Since they are on the verge of leaving my company in vicinity I feel the good ties and times are here to end. I am seeing I think "Begining of the END". It just seems like that things have happened so fast. I believe that True Friendship can never end but that should be the case from both the sides right?? Things change with time. If you cant find the two palms to come together you cant hear the clap. So I am finding it a bit difficult to digest this fact even though it hasnt got concrete. The concern seems to prolong the agony. Let's see what might happen? As I said even I will change with time.(maybe)
Thats why we say "Kalaaya Tasmai Namaha" meaning "I salute thee oh time".

With this excuse let me leave you oh blog for some more time to be in peace.

Some crazy thing but nice Time pass- Handwriting analysis online

The results of your analysis say:

You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.
You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones.
You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present.
You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody!
You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

A fresh start

A new year has dawned upon me. The feelings there to change and make a fresh start. But therein lies the problem. I have'nt identified the problem to solve it and correct them so as to make new start. So what's this fresh start all about. Plan things?? Nah I dont beleive in planning things. Because I always believe that if the Plan A fails and also if Plan B fails then the heartbreak would be more than you would have anticipated.And now if you think in this respect you would even have to plan to cope up from the heartbreak. Too much work for this hardly working brain of mine. Let me leave it at that. So for me a fresh start would mean to start identifying the mistakes with good feedback which I think I would be getting from others. Otherwise also I would have to back my own instincts to correct myself.
Now you must be saying 'See you are also planning'. But I dont consider this as a plan. Its my aim.
Lets see how things go for this fresh start of mine.

One more year gone by

One more year has gone by. A disillusioned soul was wandering around last year with some unknown motivation pushing him. Optimism works. It was at this time last year I was really working with only one aim. Get a decent job. It was with some animal instincts I was searching for a job then. You need to ask an unemployed person the value of time. Even one minute seems long enough to get frustrated. And with all the peer pressures involved in this competitive world you need to motivate yourself which is a difficult proposition in itself. I wrote so many tests and exams before getting a job. You really dont know how to tell people how you didnt get through a test or an interview for that matter. And when you think you have done well enough and wait eternally with optimism that you will certainly get a call and things go the other way, what say, you feel let down not by others but by your own ability.

I really should say I have won a small battle with myself. There was this odd situation I was invovled in at the time of searching for a job. I had got through but was also appearing for Iflex exam just for the fun of it. And damn I got through even that. I very well knew that I was not going to enter the company. I had this horrible guilt of snatching someone else's chance. How many aspiring youngsters like me would have been there? I was really at hte receiving end then.

But anyways all's well that ends well. I am happy today in a way that I am earning enough to keep mysef happy and am in a position to help out people who would need my help. I am out of the situation which a poet puts efficiently ' My heart is full but my hands are empty'.

Now its again time to contemplate on the question 'Where am I headed?' With this question left to be answered I will sign off for the day.
Happy Birthday.

The Barmer story cotinues

So after the storm was the silence. And it was silence that was brought about by awe. For I was witnessing the Gardens in the desert. "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder" said John Keats. But this was one beauty that has held me in such a way that the pictures strike before my eyes and also very clear in that. As Rudyard Kipling had once said ' The vase was broken but the fragrance of the flowers still lingers on.'

After the aesthetics came the religious content. The temple of the Creator Brahma. It is supposed to be one of the rare Brahma temples that is present in the world. And then the temple depictng the 'Sapta Rishis'(Wondering what was the number of Kaundinya Maharoshi of whose lineage I belong to since his idol was not present there).

Let me also enlighten you why there are not many temples of Brahma in he world. Simple answer would be he is not worshipped. But why? The myth goes something like this.
Brahma being the creator is said to create everyone including Godess Saraswati. So she is supposed to be his daughter. But he marries her. And marrying one's own daughter is a hideous crime. And this was taken notice by a Rishi(it geatful if somebdy could give me his name) who imposed a curse on Bramha that nobody would worship him in Bhooloka(Earth).

Please let me also know I have made any blunders in renedering this mythological story. I dont have an Elephant's memmory. So please be advised against the 100% authenticity of this material.

Leaving you with one thought. When Brahma could commit such a mistake and since I am relatively better in that aspect shall I say "Aham Bramhasmi".

Let's meet after sometime. Until then Shubha Dina.

Pattar Baba ki Kahani- Pattar Dil ki Zubaani

One of my most memmorable visits outside Karnataka. It wsa my first actual visit to a place outside Karnataka and which was not supposed to be a 'holy visit' . It was thewinter of 1198 and the place was Barmer in Rajasthan. The deserts provided Desserts to my soul. The visit marked my first look into the world of people who live in North India. And was I excited at the oppportunity?

Let me narrate some incidents which I will never forget in my life.

First and the Best: Pattar Baba.

Its actually the place where a drunkard has been cremated. I dont know whether I can call it a memmorial. The story goes like this. There was this person who used to drink very much that he was fit to be called a habitual Drunkard. And its also believed that whatever he predicted would become true. So people were very much wary of him. Now comes the actual fun part.
When the drunkard died a memmorial like thing has been made where he is cremated and it is known as Pattar Baba. Any vehicle crossing this has to break for a while before moving forward, else, its believed that the vehicle will meet with an accident. And coincidently some time it has happened so the belief has become stronger. The stranger things are yet to come. If you think that a temple for Khusboo is too much then what can you of this. A pooja is done everyday for the Pattar Baba. The incense sticks are replaced by ciggerates and the holy water we call 'Theertha' is replaced by alchohol. I wonder what will be the hymns sung in his praise!!!!! One of the most weird things I have ever seen in life. If this is not blind belief then please define the term for me????

Next comes the rainy night. It was a cold evening with the clouds hovering around threatening to pour down anytime. And pour down it did and how? Hailstones thundered on us. I was trying to collect but the force with which they hit me amazed me. I never thought I would ever see such rain in Rajasthan, a desert. It was amazing to say the least.

Rest will follow. For now let me rest.

Fanaa - My Review

It had been almost 2 years since I had been to theatre. So I was on the outlook for a movie that could rekindle the urge to make me go to the theatres. And then disater struck.
Fanaa happened.

The director to be specific is a genius. He has made such a whooping business in the first few weeks itself. He has made more meoney than he had invested. And that too with a script that is total nonsense. A woman in distress is calling the police to tip about a "WANTED" terrorist and the police officer on the other starts a BhagavadGita upasan to her instead of making a note of the address and taking immediate action. And the blind girl identifies the victims things without even feeling them. Man now that's what I call awesome senses.

In corporate I did put it as words half a day's effort wasted.

I would rather see Hrushikesh Mukherjee's Anand twice over before even thinking of going to the theater to watch a movie. That is quality of movies that people are coming up wiht these days, even though the situation is much better than the KKHH days.

The big budget guys are here to pull the audience with the star power rather than qulality in the story line and script and the low budget guys pull in struggling item girls and pose them half naked to bring in big bucks. Yes every rule has an exception and some small budget movies have made it big without having to revert to cheap publicity. What is message these guys are spreading? What is the medium becoming a portal for?

Questions, Questions and more questions. Well in a way Fanaa succeeded with me also. I have now planned to watch better movies since they are the ones that deserve the money if not for their budget but their effort.

Frustration speaks

Times are sometimes such that we feel why the hell are we working so hard. It seems the means is not justifying the end. A lot of reasons go into working late divulging which would not be such a good idea. But let me try to analyse the points I made. Man is a victim of circumstances rather for that matter anything is a victim of circumstances. Some of them just cannot cope up with the ongoings and some manage to victimise the situation itself. I dont know into which category I fall.

Its been a lot of time spent working now. Precisely 4 days short of 9 months. But satisfaction hasnt gone into me. I sometimes feel frustrated to see that my development is headed nowhere and sometimes feel that yes I am far better than some of the less fortunate guys I know. So confusion reigns and rules the roost. When the mistake is not mine and becuase of that things are not going good on my side makes life miserable. Yes sometimes I do take it as a challenge but sometimes the frustration gets better of me. I am writing this blog in one such situation.

I had an appraisal recently. I got very good grades. I was happy. But then came the bolt from the blue. My predecessor had got the same comments as what I have got now. What does that mean? Its either I am as good as her or this is a standard we follow for any fresher coming our way and you have been given the same treatment. So where does my performance stand? Where is the indication to show that I was good or bad for that matter? Whatever I feel needs to be complimented by my manager if I have to grow moneywise. Afterall whatever we are doing is for money . THE BIG M FACTOR. These things have led me to think so much, so deep that I am growingly becoming frustrated. I try to curb my feelings because I know if this coninues then you need no enemy to exempt you from growing. You become your biggest enemy. So what shall I say? I am confused.

May be if frustration speaks for me it might just turn out like this:

Time and time again have I watched,
Myself grow into every birthday.
The mirror says, “Thou are grown”.
But I ask, “To be what?”
Frustrated I smashed her,
Only to bleed from heart till soul.

I saw a thousand different faces,
All mine! All still!
Some into past, some into the future cast.
I saw the artist all gloomy waiting for death.
I saw the techie wanting to fly, but all wings clipped.
I saw HIM, I saw her, I saw myself all the while.

“To achieve what?” I questioned them,
“Did you all come into me?”
No freedom of choice did you leave,
With bound intentions did you live.

Cradle of filth I call myself,
So hard on all of them.
Trying to mask every time,
My eyes speak a different language.
My heart speaks none.

Maybe a more lighter blog will follow soon when I will resolve myself. Until then happy reading.

Uneasy feelings

I dont know what feelings I am going through. Mostly probably because I am not able comprehensively make myself believe that I have changed this way. A person who would'nt give a damn on whats going on with other people has started to care for people. And when the feeling of that person with whom there's a relationship at stake, atleast from my side , is sort of behaving indifferently an uneasiness creeps in. Why is this happening? Is it just because I am a novice at such relationships and have got myself digging deep into them? But people find everything new at some point of time. Am I taking things far more seriously than they should be taken? But how did this seriousness in a self centred person like me creep in? Who/What is the reason for this? What has aken over me? A FEAR of Losing!!!!!!!!!!!

I think its a combination of both. The kind of relationship and the people who circle around it. Maybe we think more of our losses rather than their gains. Its quite natural. My loss would be losing a wonderful friend whom I keep very near to my heart. I dont know my wrongs and they also dont tell me whats my mistake which is digging this grave. Or Am I imagining things? Am I stressed out? I dont know. But only one feeling is true. I am losing a wonderful friend. A friend
for life.

I know that person is also going thru a lot of pain. But where shall I place my feelings? I dont want to trouble the person with my feelings but how shall I get myself rid of this fear. I always beleived that attachements wont take you anywhere and you get tangled. I dont mind even if that person breaks away from me over more important people in life. All I want is the person's happiness and a good rationale for the break up. So either I dont get into any relationship if or I do not make those mistakes again.

I pray these feelings would just blow away like a bad gust of wind.And reality be more sweet.

Sarve Janaaha Sukhino Bhavantu
Samasta Sanmangalani Bhavanthu.

The Feminine side of the male

People say God made all humans equal. I dont know how many people really believe this becuase there are times wherein the favour is exaggerated for one of the genders. But when it comes to qualities inscribed into them I dare say iits the same. Its only that one dominates the other at times on most occassions because the surroundings tell them to be so. But yes
"Boys do cry".

Its been quite some time since I have been contemplating over this topic. In Kannada there's a saying which transliterates into ' Never believe a smiling woman and a crying man'. I dont know why this has come into existence or the logic behind on the saying. But my question is why should'nt boys cry? And why should always woman crying evoke sympathy? I can't understand. When a man seems to be being domiated by a woman its just that the qualities like patience, care and the like which we normally associate with a woman overriding the 'regular' behaviour of a man. Its the time when the male gets connected to his feminine side. We also need to bring out our feelings of being sad. We also need to express our concern. And these can't be done the hard way. The subtler substitutes take over. The eyes have a lot of moisture in them and at some point of time they need a way out. So if they come out when sadness gathers weight in our pool of emotions why is such a hue and cry rised? And more than the man is always afraid to show his tears. I dont understand this fear. We need to shed this fear.


Cry on,carry on,
Let the feelings drip down,
Wipe out the penury from your heart,
Make no mistake,you are'nt a coward,
But more brave than people who think,
crying for a grown up is grave.

Pray on,make your mind free,
Be fearless there's always the divine by your side,
Everyone will fall,
but have the heart to say,
"Yes i erred" for the strength you gain is worth all that pain
Never fear to lose,
For you will then find,more ways of winning to choose

So carry on my man
Pent up emotions will only cause harm
So if you need to cry
Cry on ,carry onlet your feelings drip down
Wipe out the penury from your heart

The END

Am I you? or Are you me?
I asked, contemplated ,but saw nothing!
Just glared into the darkness of thy eyes,
Through those who have lost out to you.

I eat up life on pleasures,
I crib for greener pastures,
Mind sways, hither and thither,
Success? Failure? Neither.

Mr.X comes in the morning,
I play with words, with him till the evening,
Then darkness makes me lonely,
To question Is it you who is me?

Death, Can I be you?
For success is your birhtright.
Everyone bows to you.
So what, if in fear.
People believe you are divine,
I want no godly powers of thine,
Just make me as relentless as thee,
Death, make me thee!

Death - A Delimiter

Whenever we see through night we see two things the beauty of the night sky with the glittering stars and the fear of thedark. And what one sees it mostly depends on the person. But at some point of time we would have seen both the views. Even though darkness berings the fear factor we try to see the lighter side it. And its a tribute the poets and the mothers who have made this possible by inscribing the picture of the beauty associated with the night. But somehow not all things can be seen by people in both ways.
The prime example is Death. Death always brings with it an element of fear, the darkness surrounding life. It is always used to symbolise Pessimism. I dont know whether people dont want to see the other side of death or they just dont even after trying.
This topic has always fascinated me. For me , It has always symbolised optimism. You may ask why?

Let me try to come up with some logic first. Why is that we try to save things up and work so hard and many times end up with things that are not necessities but merely accessories. We want to enjoy life to the maximum. Why? Becuase we know that someday we will die and do not know what lies at the other end of the spectrum . We burn ourselves out and reach an end. The best part is we dont know how the end will be and what it will cater to. But yes at any cost Death will consume us. Thats why it inspires me. No matter how lavishly and healthily you live your life Death is the ultimate end. You may have had close encounters with Death. This teaches you the value of Life. So you will become more careful while handling your life.
It says "You may laugh out loud when you escape my clutches, but ultimately I will always have the last laugh." If you look at it carefully it teaches you perseverence. It teaches you patience. It teaches you that if you have the will to win you can always reach your goal. It teaches you Optimism.

Thats why I beleive that the notion of Death is not a limit but a delimiter. If the thought is taken seriously it can expand the horizon of your thinking instead of narrowing it down. Try to see the dark side of the moon also sometimes. Beauty doesnt signify happiness at all times.

If you are looking at it in a religiouis point of view, which is not my cup of tea ,Indian Mythloogy has it that even Death is signified by a God, YamadhramaRaja. And as per my knowledge we dont have gods to signify Evil. So obviously death is not evil. So next time you think of that try to recall this article if you ever happen to read this.

Imitation Irritation

Once in a while I do enjoy people imitating others. Like Shekar Suman imitating Laloo or Vajpayee or our very own Mimicry Dayanand in Kannada. But imitating should be strictly limited to entertainment and should not be extended to anyone's lifestyle. It just irritates me when I hear people say "I want to be like NRN or like Bill Gates" when you well know you cant be. A kingdom can have only one king. Circumsatances and their thoughts at that point are the ones that make the man what he really is today. You might be facing the same circumstances that these giants faced at some point of time but you might not have the same thought process those guys had at that point of time or vice versa. When none of our five fingers ar alike how can two persons be. I think its highly impossible.

Trying to be somebody else means you are trying to impose on yourself certain rules that might have never suited you. Its just like the human body. If something anonymous to the anatomy of the body tries t oexercise itself on the body resistance is provided so as to avoid the damages that might occur. Sometimes the resistance fails. So what happens? We fall ill. What do we do now? We take medication to drive out this unknown substances from our body which are causing the damage. We go far and wide to get ourself cured of this physical agony. So why do we never try to resist these thoughts that steal our inidiviuality from us?

I do agree everyone wants to be rich and famous like NRN and Bill Gates. Or even as hunky as John Abraham. But the means should justify the end. You cant replicate their thoguhts. So you cant just be what they are.

Try to be yourself. We need to create a world that has indiviuals and not just blind followers or as I believe imitators. We had many followers of Gandhi but just one Gandhi.

Let the world not be a replica of the past.

The Sole - Mate

When loneliness starts eating into our freedon you know everything i s not alright. THe way you think has certainly changed. The wanting of something in Life and the longevity of wating for that something to happen has just begun to taunt you. It only gets worse when you are not sure what exactly you want. I have been a victim of this very recently, but yes the LEO that I am I enjoy being lonely for most part of it. So who's the culprit on the othr side if you are the victim? I say its you and simply yourself.

The very fact that you have built up an image of being something when you are really not so has gone one up this time around. Let us try to get around this a bit. I will narrate a short story.
This guy always feels intimidated when girls start ordering him around especially when he doesnt like them. But yes he has built up a good reputation of the helpful guy who adheres to the corporate etiquette. So he cannot deviate from it for the fear of losing out on good opportunities.He now has to live up to the reputation of being somebody else apart from being himself outside of that world.Another factor that adds is that the straightforwardness has gone out for most of the day when diplomacy rules and the rest of the day he feels he has been tied up for a long time and tries to overdo his natural behaviour. This causes him to lose out on the quality time he spends with his near and dear ones. Now he is lonely. Occassionally being lonely was something he loved. Now that occassion has become more frequent. It is depriving of his freedom when he is alone. He is being asked questions about himself.

Now he wants to be himself throughout. But yes FEAR has him bound. He begins to think he is asking for more out of life, while he is trying to be just himself. He tries to take in more burden on himself to acquire a new lease of life for himself and he ends up tying himself up in knots that might well be suited for the magic show of David Copperfield or our very own P C Sorcar.
What's the answer for coming out this? Let's see if I can come out of something.

Until then Happy Blogging