Frustration speaks

Times are sometimes such that we feel why the hell are we working so hard. It seems the means is not justifying the end. A lot of reasons go into working late divulging which would not be such a good idea. But let me try to analyse the points I made. Man is a victim of circumstances rather for that matter anything is a victim of circumstances. Some of them just cannot cope up with the ongoings and some manage to victimise the situation itself. I dont know into which category I fall.

Its been a lot of time spent working now. Precisely 4 days short of 9 months. But satisfaction hasnt gone into me. I sometimes feel frustrated to see that my development is headed nowhere and sometimes feel that yes I am far better than some of the less fortunate guys I know. So confusion reigns and rules the roost. When the mistake is not mine and becuase of that things are not going good on my side makes life miserable. Yes sometimes I do take it as a challenge but sometimes the frustration gets better of me. I am writing this blog in one such situation.

I had an appraisal recently. I got very good grades. I was happy. But then came the bolt from the blue. My predecessor had got the same comments as what I have got now. What does that mean? Its either I am as good as her or this is a standard we follow for any fresher coming our way and you have been given the same treatment. So where does my performance stand? Where is the indication to show that I was good or bad for that matter? Whatever I feel needs to be complimented by my manager if I have to grow moneywise. Afterall whatever we are doing is for money . THE BIG M FACTOR. These things have led me to think so much, so deep that I am growingly becoming frustrated. I try to curb my feelings because I know if this coninues then you need no enemy to exempt you from growing. You become your biggest enemy. So what shall I say? I am confused.

May be if frustration speaks for me it might just turn out like this:

Time and time again have I watched,
Myself grow into every birthday.
The mirror says, “Thou are grown”.
But I ask, “To be what?”
Frustrated I smashed her,
Only to bleed from heart till soul.

I saw a thousand different faces,
All mine! All still!
Some into past, some into the future cast.
I saw the artist all gloomy waiting for death.
I saw the techie wanting to fly, but all wings clipped.
I saw HIM, I saw her, I saw myself all the while.

“To achieve what?” I questioned them,
“Did you all come into me?”
No freedom of choice did you leave,
With bound intentions did you live.

Cradle of filth I call myself,
So hard on all of them.
Trying to mask every time,
My eyes speak a different language.
My heart speaks none.

Maybe a more lighter blog will follow soon when I will resolve myself. Until then happy reading.

Uneasy feelings

I dont know what feelings I am going through. Mostly probably because I am not able comprehensively make myself believe that I have changed this way. A person who would'nt give a damn on whats going on with other people has started to care for people. And when the feeling of that person with whom there's a relationship at stake, atleast from my side , is sort of behaving indifferently an uneasiness creeps in. Why is this happening? Is it just because I am a novice at such relationships and have got myself digging deep into them? But people find everything new at some point of time. Am I taking things far more seriously than they should be taken? But how did this seriousness in a self centred person like me creep in? Who/What is the reason for this? What has aken over me? A FEAR of Losing!!!!!!!!!!!

I think its a combination of both. The kind of relationship and the people who circle around it. Maybe we think more of our losses rather than their gains. Its quite natural. My loss would be losing a wonderful friend whom I keep very near to my heart. I dont know my wrongs and they also dont tell me whats my mistake which is digging this grave. Or Am I imagining things? Am I stressed out? I dont know. But only one feeling is true. I am losing a wonderful friend. A friend
for life.

I know that person is also going thru a lot of pain. But where shall I place my feelings? I dont want to trouble the person with my feelings but how shall I get myself rid of this fear. I always beleived that attachements wont take you anywhere and you get tangled. I dont mind even if that person breaks away from me over more important people in life. All I want is the person's happiness and a good rationale for the break up. So either I dont get into any relationship if or I do not make those mistakes again.

I pray these feelings would just blow away like a bad gust of wind.And reality be more sweet.

Sarve Janaaha Sukhino Bhavantu
Samasta Sanmangalani Bhavanthu.

The Feminine side of the male

People say God made all humans equal. I dont know how many people really believe this becuase there are times wherein the favour is exaggerated for one of the genders. But when it comes to qualities inscribed into them I dare say iits the same. Its only that one dominates the other at times on most occassions because the surroundings tell them to be so. But yes
"Boys do cry".

Its been quite some time since I have been contemplating over this topic. In Kannada there's a saying which transliterates into ' Never believe a smiling woman and a crying man'. I dont know why this has come into existence or the logic behind on the saying. But my question is why should'nt boys cry? And why should always woman crying evoke sympathy? I can't understand. When a man seems to be being domiated by a woman its just that the qualities like patience, care and the like which we normally associate with a woman overriding the 'regular' behaviour of a man. Its the time when the male gets connected to his feminine side. We also need to bring out our feelings of being sad. We also need to express our concern. And these can't be done the hard way. The subtler substitutes take over. The eyes have a lot of moisture in them and at some point of time they need a way out. So if they come out when sadness gathers weight in our pool of emotions why is such a hue and cry rised? And more than the man is always afraid to show his tears. I dont understand this fear. We need to shed this fear.


Cry on,carry on,
Let the feelings drip down,
Wipe out the penury from your heart,
Make no mistake,you are'nt a coward,
But more brave than people who think,
crying for a grown up is grave.

Pray on,make your mind free,
Be fearless there's always the divine by your side,
Everyone will fall,
but have the heart to say,
"Yes i erred" for the strength you gain is worth all that pain
Never fear to lose,
For you will then find,more ways of winning to choose

So carry on my man
Pent up emotions will only cause harm
So if you need to cry
Cry on ,carry onlet your feelings drip down
Wipe out the penury from your heart